ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
