i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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