He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We have so much sex to catch up on
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
