Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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