ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
