I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
