At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
