A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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