hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
