So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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