um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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