My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
