my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
