I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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