When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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