My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
