i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
