I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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