i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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