I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
