Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
