Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
