glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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