I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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