wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you would pick up someone in the library
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
