I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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