What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
is it fun? or sober?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
