I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
