Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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