how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
