thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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