I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
