Betty ford says i'm here all night
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
