Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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