just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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