I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
