That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
