Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
