It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
