I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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