I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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