She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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