When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
