you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
