So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
