Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
