the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
