And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
