Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
