I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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